Oliver: Gene Hackman’s death should serve as a wake-up call for dementia caregivers

The news of Oscar-winning actor Gene Hackman’s death Feb. 18 and the circumstances surrounding it gave me a pit in my stomach.

As a caregiver for a person with Alzheimer’s disease (my beloved husband, Tony), I could understand that situation better than most.

Hackman’s wife, Betsy Arakawa Hackman, was much younger and his primary caregiver. I’m 11 years younger than my husband, and I’m his primary caregiver as well.

From the looks of it, she handled the bulk of his care, and probably didn’t really think too much about the chance she’d die first. After all, Gene Hackman was in his 90s, he had heart problems and his Alzheimer’s disease was advanced.

Unfortunately, despite the natural tendency of caregivers to think that we have it all under control, sometimes we just don’t. I can’t imagine that Betsy Hackman ever considered that she would die unexpectedly of hantavirus.

For me, despite having at least considered the possibility that I might die first, I still find that I’m surprised when unexpected things arise.

For instance, I once was chasing a mouse and missed the last couple of steps while running down our steep basement staircase. As I found myself sitting on the concrete landing, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to walk. I also knew that trying to get Tony to bring me that phone would be an impossible mission.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer twice and had to undergo three surgeries, the possibility of not waking up was something that I had to face. I made list after list of important numbers and instructions … just in case.

In the Hackman home, it became all too clear what happened. Betsy Hackman collapsed, and Gene Hackman was unable to help her. Even if he recognized that she was on the floor and not getting up, he no doubt could not have put together the sequence of thoughts to get some help.

If something were to happen to me, my dear Tony wouldn’t be able to help me, either. He would do what Gene Hackman did: Roam around the house, stopping to take a nap in a favorite chair now and then.

What neither of them would be able to do is to feed themselves, take their medications, bathe themselves or do any of the normal things that so many of us take for granted. Gene Hackman also wouldn’t have been able to feed or give water to the dog in the crate that also was found dead when the Hackmans were discovered.

This is the sad reality of being a sole caregiver for someone with dementia. In my case, I now have regular help with Tony, so there is someone who comes daily to help me.

Betsy Hackman apparently did not have that or did not want it. That’s a choice each caregiver must make to handle the stress and responsibilities associated with our person’s care.

Tony and I also have a network of friends who check in regularly with us to make sure we’re doing OK. My routine is so set that if I’m not where I’m supposed to be at the time I’m supposed to be there, someone always will check in on us. It’s a blessing that I do not take for granted.

Not everyone has that. But no doubt each caregiver has at least one person in his or her life with whom they can check in regularly. Ideally, it would be every day, but at least every couple of days. The call, text or email message could be as simple as “We’re OK.”

If the recipient of those check-in messages doesn’t receive one on an expected day, then they know to make another call, send someone to the house or go there themselves.

The Hackmans apparently didn’t have this system in place. That’s why it took more than two weeks for someone to notice that something was wrong.

It’s heartbreaking because it really could have been prevented, at least for Gene Hackman. And who knows whether Betsy Hackman could have been revived if someone had found them both on that first day.

Certainly, it’s a wake-up call for the rest of us.

• Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.