Sometimes there comes a moment when you realize life isn’t just happening to you. You’re interpreting it and reacting to it. You’ve been living inside a story your past wrote for you – before you knew you were the one telling it.
That’s not your fault. It’s your default. But the moment you see it, you can change everything.
Modern psychology has shown us that the brain is less a camera and more a courtroom – building stories, assigning blame, rewriting memory, all in service of keeping your ego comfortable or your fear pacified.
Psychologists like Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky spent decades studying how we form judgments, and their research uncovered a gallery of mental shortcuts – cognitive biases, emotional filters and distorted beliefs that make us feel right, even when we’re not. But often, what feels true is just what feels familiar.
And once you begin to see the stories you’re telling yourself, something else becomes clear: there are parts of your life you won’t even narrate. Things you won’t face. Conversations you won’t have. Feelings you won’t feel. You tell yourself it’s not the right time, that it’s not a big deal, that you’ll deal with it later. But in truth, what you avoid ends up shaping you more than what you confront.
Avoidance feels like relief. At first. You push something away – pain, responsibility, vulnerability – and for a moment, your body thanks you. The pressure drops. But behind that false peace, something dangerous grows. Each time you dodge discomfort, you quietly teach your nervous system that the discomfort was too much – that the fear must be obeyed.
Psychological studies on exposure therapy conducted by Joseph Wolpe and later David Barlow show again and again: the only way to reduce fear is to face it. The only way to weaken shame is to bring it into the light.
Healing doesn’t come from feeling safe all the time. Success doesn’t come from playing small. Growth begins when you learn to walk toward what makes you uncomfortable, on purpose.
And what we avoid doesn’t just shape our behavior – it quietly shapes who we become. Because here’s the deeper truth: you are not who you think you are. You are who you practice being.
Identity isn’t fixed. It’s not a core you discover – it’s a pattern you reinforce. You are a feedback loop of habits, emotional reactions, routines, roles and stories you tell yourself. What you repeat becomes familiar. What becomes familiar becomes comfortable. And what becomes comfortable becomes “me.”
Psychologists and behavioral scientists have long known that we don’t rise to our highest beliefs –we fall to our most repeated actions. You may wish to be bold, steady, at peace – but wishing doesn’t shape you. Repetition does.
The research on neuroplasticity, from pioneers like Donald Hebb and Carol Dweck, confirms: your brain reshapes itself based on what you do consistently, not what you hope is true.
So if you want to change your life, stop asking, “Who am I?” Start asking, “What do I repeat?” The real “you” isn’t found in your reflection. It’s built into your rituals.
Even the strongest habits can fall apart when emotions hit. You might know what to do, but then emotions cloud your thinking. Emotions don’t care how much you’ve practiced – they test whether you can stay present when it counts.
To see yourself clearly, not as a fixed identity, but as a living pattern. Not as a passenger, but as the narrator holding the script. Yes, your brain plays tricks. Yes, fear wants the wheel. But you are not at the mercy of old wiring. You are the architect of what comes next.
Take the pause. Challenge the thought. Face the thing. Move, even when you tremble. Speak the better story, even if your voice shakes at first.
You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be present. You don’t need to know who you are. You need to start becoming who you were meant to be – on purpose.
Life isn’t asking you to get it all right.
It’s asking you to participate, to show up, to choose the next true step.
And repeat it, until it becomes you.
• Toby Moore is a Shaw Local News Network columnist, star of the Emmy-nominated film “A Separate Peace,” and CEO of CubeStream Inc. He can be reached at feedback@shawmedia.com.